So 2/27 is my “ex” HTM’s bday. I went to call him, as I always do and instead received a text asking why I hadn’t wished him a happy birthday. He has been after me for six years now. I was never officially his GF and I think that has always bothered him.
FFW to 4 weeks ago. He had been very adament about coming over and I kept declining. For some reason I didn’t think everything was as it appears.
Yesterday we text all day, I finally get him to admit that he is “talking” to someone else (I KNEW IT!). It’s not really an issue for me because we are.just friends and for the past 2 years it never gone past flirting.
3:30 today I get 2 texts
He’s getting married on Saturday!
ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!!!
I didn’t respond. It would be pointless. For some reason I always knew he wasn’t BF material. I always trust my instincts and I always will!!
Poor future Mrs. HTM, she doesn’t know what she has gotten herself into!
So I watched the movie “Something Borrowed” again. It’s not the best movie, but I can totally relate to it.
Finding out someone cares for you many years after, and it just seems so impossible. When he asks why she never told him, she said “because I didn’t think someone like u could ever like someone like me.” We both admittedly felt that then. After all these years I’d be lying if I said that I still didn’t feel the same way.
Through the magic of movies the lovers end up together. One could only be so lucky.
I hate that movies always end so perfectly. Why can’t there be one perfect moment in real life?
let the sun shine
Today actually started off with me having car trouble. Luckily my roommate is a mechanic.
I think in some odd way I needed a mental break today. I didn’t think of Z.M. or any of my current worries. I just rested, and cleaned up. It was a very welcomed break. I need more days like this. Just sit back and let the sun shine
Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders
I love Paul! He always brings a smile to my face. I love finding new candid shots of him being goofy, or sweet with his family. Or even out of focus rare photos.
Meeting him would definitely be #1 on my bucket list.
bang bang… He shot me down
Currently on repeat…every version..every cover…even the Dubstep version
Keeping the faith
Last night, while driving home from my sisters house I started to pray.
I only pray for others, and would never pray for anything other than my safety, health, and peace. It made me remember a conversation I had with a friend about praying for myself (love,money,etc) I don’t think its right. Part of me feels like I have control over most of those, and if I don’t I shouldn’t manipulate it.
Is it wrong to ask for what you want? Is it wrong to ask for what you need?
Honestly, I don’t know. However I won’t. Call it stubbornness, call it pride, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Ive been thinking that maybe God is breaking me down so that I do call upon him and ask for it all. Still I don’t want to. I’d rather work for what I want and let go of the “why don’t I have this”, and “what if“‘s in my head. I will pray for that. Inner peace, and mental strength.
So I prayed… For a sign and for strength.
I listened to the radio a commercial came on so I changed the station and went from station to station just to see how many songs I knew.. These songs came on
“I only have eyes for you”
“Faith”
“The one who really loves you”
Then some random song about falling in love at 15.
I turned off the radio
Say it with me… #WHY!!!!??!!
Please God, just make me a time machine
Remember when we’d talk for hours?
Remember when you’d say this was fate?
Well, I do and it is painfully paralyzing. Every day life sends reminders of us. Like tiny little razor blades cutting me inch by inch. Memories bleed over me, but never wash away.
I need a distraction. Something to just stop the bleeding.
So I’m sitting at the salon, waiting to get my nails done…
Like a fool I start reading old messages. How perfect those moments were, how sweet. I can feel my eyes begin to tear up and I’m forcing myself to hold it together. I don’t want to forget you, I just know I need to let go. I kept telling my roommate that this was bigger than you and I. It’s a mixture of things that are hurting. Mainly my past coming back to haunt me. Guilt from my teen years and frustration with my adult life. I feel that maybe good deeds are pointless… Maybe its best to throw all caution to the wind?
I don’t even recognized the face in the mirror. I don’t even know what is going on outside of my own mind. I’ve adopted a “who the fuck cares” attitude. One of my oldest friends said she wasn’t used to me being upset. Well, neither am I.
To far away for me to hold….
Go looking for trouble and you’ll find it.
My head is spinning, I’m laying on my bathroom floor drinking vodka trying to breathe. I can’t fucking breathe… My chest hurts, my head is throbbing.
I… Just… Want… This ….to …be …over.
It ends tonight, no more pain.
I will get the answers and say what needs to be said.
No more pain.
I’ve been thinking about my soul lately. About heaven, hell, and even God. Am I being punished for the bad things I’ve done in my youth? The worst offense I’ve ever done was at 14 (or younger). Am I being punished, am I being punished? I don’t know. If we are in fact children of God, does he punish us as a father would? I have no idea, but it seems like a great punishment. To spend eternity watching every single one of my hearts desires paraded around me, kept at arms length. No matter how much I reach and run towards them, I will never move an inch closer. I will always be inches away, for I am chained up like an animal. Maybe I don’t deserve anything? Maybe I am just a fool? Maybe years from now when I die I will look back and realize what I had envisioned for me was wrong. I don’t know. As I try to sleep one thought runs through my head, “am I being punished, am I being punished.”
In this very moment… I believe so.
I miss you, and will continue to do so until my heart stops.
Last week I saw your sweet face, and although it was brief it made me awaken again. I felt whole in your arms. I felt like me again. When I had to leave, I did not feel saddened. I actually felt like I was going to be ok.
Two days later u asked me to send you a picture, so I could brighten your day. Of course you sent me one first. You always just know how to make me smile.
Today however my heart just continues to break. I have to let go, but I can’t. I don’t want to, and I don’t know how to. I have no fight left in me. This situation just further validates the fact that no matter how much I dream, work, or pray I will not ever be happy. It is just not in the cards for me. I’m thankful for last summer, for July 27th, for Aug 15th. Those were the happiest moments of my life. No matter what happens from here. They’re wonderful memories that no one can alter, or take from me. All I have are the pieces so I really have nothing.
I still feel this gigantic knot in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could just let it go, I wish I could just move on. The problem is, I don’t ever want to forget. Every day on my way home from work my eyes tear up. Every single day. I wish they didn’t. Every night I wrestle with the thought of just saying, “hi”. Sometimes I long to just hear your voice. Even if its to say goodbye, even if its to say it was all a lie. Anything is better than the nothingness I have.
Going to bed, I hope I don’t wake up thinking you’re there. I hope my subconscious knows when my eyes open, all they’ll see are pillows and sheets. Goodnight
In the dark our mind plays tricks on us all. Shadows seem to take the shape of some inadament object we recall from a past experience. But what happens when the darkness is love?
This city that once housed all of our greatest days, now scream the echoes of our memories. The hustle and bustle of the passers by sing “our song” so tenderly. Every leaf of every tree reminds us of what we’ve let slip beyond our grasp. All street signs point us to one conclusion…… Without you, I am lost.
