This time is different… I am different.
A year ago I would’ve jumped at the opportunity to contact you. I would’ve moved heaven and earth to see your smile. But this time is different. I feel empty, and yet I still care. I’ve given up on the idea of forever. So much in fact that I gave up on those ever so fleeting moments of bliss.
Am I broken? I love you, but not us, and not even I at the moment. I feel numb
Tomorrow will be two weeks.
I still feel like I can just head over to your house just to talk and watch some tv with you.
I know you’ll never really leave me, but not being able to see your face breaks my heart. I love you Grandma.
After a year of staying away…he’s finds his way back. My heart feels so conflicted. A part of me just wants to fall back into his arms and start all over again, but I don’t know if I can. There is no doubt in my mind that I’ve loved him from the moment I first saw him. I’ve carried the memory of his smile with me for over 13 yrs, and yet I know he won’t be able to give me the kind of love I deserve. I should just walk away, but how can I? When he looks at me, I feel like he really sees me. When he touches me, his touch lingers for days. Whenever anyone sees his picture, they always comment on how handsome he is. I just know him as the man who said that not having the guts to tell me he liked me was his biggest regret.
They say “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”. Well, he came back so what does this mean?
I haven’t seen him yet. He’s asked if he can see me, and wants me to bake for him like I used to. He has a present for me. A box full of makeup! (Does he know me or what!) So far, I’ve played it safe.I haven’t given him an answer yet. Even though every fiber of my being is telling me to just do it.
If nothing else comes of this, I want closure. Because having him in my heart, and on my mind for the last year has made me a cynic. I will always love him, even after my heart stops beating. But that doesn’t mean we are meant to be.
Today my only living grandparent passed away.
Part of me is happy that she is no longer suffering, and the other part of me wants her here. That is her lipstick^. The final one she used. My sister asked her if I could have it, so she knows I’m going to be hanging onto it forever. My poor mother seems so lost. I don’t know how to console her or anyone. Something inside keeps telling me to try to make a deeper connection with all of my family. That when I hug, I really need to hold them tight.
Grandma Lucy, I will miss you but I know you’re with me. Our love is a bond that time and flesh cannot end. Keep my Tia company and watch over us all.
I love you more than you’ll ever know.
Hi, my name is Shallow
So I saw a picture of the Zombie Man last night. Believe it or not…. He’s even more beautiful than I remembered. Half of me is like, “Why the hell am I seeing this! Why can’t I just be done with it!”, and the other half is like, “Damn… I really did HAVE that didn’t I?!? Fuck yeah!!!”. I know it sounds tremendously shallow, but if you saw him, you’d high five me.
Then I started thinking …. The man I 1st slept with (Cub)was gorgeous, could Zombie Man be even better looking than he was? I don’t know. They’re both handsome in a very different way. Cub is more beautiful male model where is Zombie Man is more hot bad boy. I debated this for a few seconds in my head then it hit me.
I’m shallow, and these two will be the reason I am single in 2013. I’ve developed commitment issues unbeknownst to me and they both have a lot to do with it. Oh well being shallow isn’t the worst thing in the world.
You have to own up to your part, we all have to.
Its been a year. Am I any wiser? Have I learned my lesson? I don’t know, but I’ve felt loves bitterness for too long. I think I’m ok to let it all go.
A new prospect has emerged. Could this be my salvation? Love’s redemption?
Slowly and softly we move, slowly and softly we love.
So, I’ve made the first step towards really getting over ZM. I started “talking” to someone new. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. It’s not entirely bad …which I thought it would be. Other than they aforementioned ZM comment, I haven’t thought of ZM. Maybe TG will be a new chapter for me? Maybe just a mild distraction. Who really knows?
A year later and it still hurts. I still have no closure, no reasoning, nothing.
I try to remind myself that I ended things. I stopped all contact, but what choice did I have?
The memory of us feels like ice water in my veins. Every time I think of u, I smile, I lose my breath,I shiver, and I cry. Every…Single… Time.
Even when I don’t think of you, something reminds me of your smile. The first time you held my hand, the first time we kissed, and the time I made you laugh so hard you choked.
I miss u, I don’t want to, but i do.
I can’t help it, and I feel like its killing whatever hope I have for any “Happily Ever After” for myself or anyone. I feel like LOVE is a dream we can never truly own in reality.
LOVE does not exist… PAIN however does.
1 year ago today, I extended my hand to you. You seemed so sad, and all I wanted was to ease your pain. Who would have ever guessed that, that one act would cause me a world of pain.
Still I’d gladly rip open these wounds and let the salt sting me.
I doubt I will ever move on.
In the middle of my birthday party, surrounded by friends and yet I feel more isolated than ever. I think its time to revert to the old Jessica. The one that kept to herself. I love my friends, but I am not me anymore. I don’t have that connection to myself I so desperately need.
I feel nothing, but him.
I wish I could let go, but those memories seem to haunt me. I seem to be so willing to let them in.
At age 9 a family friend told me I was destined to be unlucky in love. As the years passed by, I had psychics and gypsies (who’d randomly come up to me)say the same thing. I felt this overwhelming need to prove them wrong.
Recently I’ve been watching tons of Henry Rollins interviews and he has “come to terms” with the notion of forever being alone.
I’ve always felt that we humans need to be l connected, that it was vital for sustaining life. But what if I’m wrong? What if we don’t in fact need each other romantically?
Maybe I’ve had the three great loves of my life and now a life of solitude is my destiny? I for one don’t want to believe that, but there may be some merit to his madness.
Truth is I’ve had my fair share of married/engaged/attached men try to flirt/touch/sleep with me. Some were even my friends. It leads me to question…does everlasting love exist? Or is it all propaganda contrived by Disney? If we take things back to our most primal state, monogamy isn’t in our nature.
Should we be free to love/sleep with whomever we want to…whenever we want to? Or does the choice of monogamy separate us from the animals?
I don’t know.
25% of me still believes in true everlasting love. Although it decreases each year,I still do.
I will hang on to that… For now.
My friend Mark is leaving for Kuwait this month.
I am so so so sad. It reminds me of when my brother left and how much I worried for him.
Mark is no exception, I will worry about my dear friend til he returns. Hold him in your thoughts and prayers too.
See you when I see you “Sexy Boi” LOL
“Goodbye my hopeless dream….”
I have a love/hate relationship with that song. I still don’t know why I can’t let any of it go. It’s been 9months since I’ve seen him 3 months since we’ve spoken, and it still feels like I just saw him yesterday.
I will forever miss my Zombie Man. Even after my heart stops.
I wish I didn’t care, but I always will.
Sometimes I’d rather die, and sometimes I just like feeling this sting.
I wish I could lose it for a day. Just go off on everyone and let the world feel the sting. But what good would that serve. Being a drunk isnt acceptable in my eyes. I have a family full of them and they are exactly where they were 20 yrs ago.
But it would be nice not to be in pain 24/7, to forget we existed.
But the memories are the only thing I have that truly belong to me. So I will keep us safe in my heart. Always.
#Still Don’t Feel Any Better
HTM aka the married guy sent me over 1,300 text messages and called 14 times. It has been one week since we’ve spoken, and I’m glad!
I had two guys (I wasn’t even interested in ) drop baby bombs on me.
Needless to say…. I am starting to harbor bad feelings towards the opposite sex.
I still miss my ZM. I refuse to contact him. I no longer have hope for anything with him or anyone else. I don’t want it. I’ve shut down.
I’ve officially thrown in the towel.